Memoirs Of A Homo Sapien

It has been months since I last updated my blog. Too much has happened during this short, but turbulent time. Heck, I don’t even know where to begin, where I should start…. for even I couldn’t comprehend the frustration that I feel inside.

Well, for starters I have already begun the next phase of my journey. My understanding of the course of my choice has greatly deepen, despite the fact that the level of stress, frustration, and fatigue has been building up for awhile.

However, the chief of all my frustrations was to be my financial status. I must admit, that I have some difficulty in managing my finances well. Guess I have not much of a rapport with money then. No matter how I try, I seem to be losing my mind over finances instead of gaining any peace of mind.

Tried working part-time for awhile to supplement my budget, but even that was not considered to be an effective method, instead my fatigue level skyrocketed even further

I find myself skipping classes even more frequent. Heck even some of my close friends begun to notice it, even her… though i’m not blaming her for being inconsiderate. The fact that our friendship can grow to a be more than just mere acquintainces, or just "someone i knew from uni" is truly a blessing in disguise. For that I am very grateful.

So now, the time that I most dreaded has come. The finals. The key that holds my destiny. The judgement that will decide whether or not my journey ends here, or it countinues so that I can brave the challenges ahead. So i go to war… but it won’t be the last

    *sigh*….. my 3 months of salvation will be over soon…. only les than 3 weeks left. Soon it will be christmass, and then the new year will be ushered in.

    So… the big question still remains. What have I achieved during this 3 months? Besides working my ass off for 2 months, but at least I did earn some extra pocket money, I still haven’t even started my intensive training. Man…. gotta start it as soon as possible.

    Well at least now I have a new toy to play with. My new Nikon Coolpix L6. Damn i just love it. Its my greatest investment. Sure its not all that perfect, but still it provides me with a sense of pleasure. And… on the 19th of this month, another toy will be given to me soon. Now that will change my whle life….. forever.

    Well…. 3.85 is a big number to score. Its doable, but tough. But I’m confident that I can achieve that score. This will be my most ambitious goal ever.

In my 21 years of existence, there’s only two dates that i will always remember by heart. 14 February 2006 - The day my life made a 180 degrees turn, and 17 October 2006 - The day I met someone special face-to-face for the first time

At first the feelings going through me were common to me. Fear, anxiety, excitement…… these feelings I am more than ever familiar with it. This is not my first encounter with love. I have had enough experience to furthur traumatise me when it comes to searching for the one to share my life with.

But this girl…. this beauty…. I don’t know what words I can use to describe. The moment I laid my eyes upon her. The moment I caressed her soft skin. The moment I smoothed out her silky-smooth hair. I just knew…. somehow…. that I was practically in love with her. However, I have to wait for her answer, for she may not be ready to be committed in a relationship. I clearly understand.

For her, I was willing to wait for her. However, I have to ask myself. How long can I wait? As long as there’s breath in me? As long as it takes? I just don’t know. Perhaps this is a test…. to see if she is really the one that I have been looking for all this while. Then again…. I have to be prepared for her answer. Positive or negative, it will provide a great impact to me and our relationship. For that, I have to psyche myself up for that dreaded moment.

*sigh* Love…. must it be so complicated? This is the question that is still left unanswered by me till this day.

You know…. there have been a few times that i have debated whether or not should i reveal my story…. cause a lot of people think that i was from TAR college…. which is not true at all. So now…. time for all of us a bedtime story. Shall we…..

After i completed my STPM in 2004, I left my cozy home for the busy streets of Kuala Lumpur to start my part-time job at my brother’s workplace. During that time, I went through a lot of reflecting over my past mistakes, like my stubbornness….. my addiction to computer games….. I knew that deep down inside I could not fulfill my mother’s wish, which was to see me study a course which i like in a reputable public university. So i guess I might as well settle for UTAR.

Turns out, I could not even do biotechnology, which was my first choice. So i had to settle for chemistry, cause according to a lot of "supposedly" experts, there was a good prospect in studying chemistry. So as naive as I was that time, I took it up. Little did I know that It would scar me for life.

So as i began my first semester as a chemistry undergraduate, I progress quite smoothly I think, and I also met a lot of friends from my course as well. It was also at this time that I met someone whom i was attracted to. She became one of my most closest friends, even though we were from a different course. So i guess it couldn’t get any better than that…. how i would be so wrong in the near future…..

Well…. I flunked my first semester, where I had to repeat 3 subjects. Yes!! 3 subjects. Plus I was under probation.. .. but I told myself that I can still make it even into the honour’s list…… I was all set to conquer that new semester. I was so dead wrong…..

I will always remember this date. 14 February 2006. The day my world fell apart. It was on that day that i was prepared to give a valentine’s day present to my special friend…. but that day turn out to be my greatest nightmare….. because of my carelessness in protecting our discreetness, we had a major misunderstanding. She was extremely angry and upset with me at that time, and there I was laying dejected…. defeated…. for it was my fault…. that guilt weighed heavily upon me, and it still does even till this day. It was also on that day that i brashly decided to change course, so as to avoid seeing me, and to make her feel sad again…..

So i informed my mother about my decision, and she was of course caught off-guard for awhile, then was convinced as well….. we went to see the counselor at my campus, and it was then that i discovered that chemistry was never my choice at all…… it was then that another lucrative offer was given to me. Psychology….. so far it had never came across my mind……

So now i was faced with another dilemma, Either I contimue on doing something that I never liked at all, or embark in a completely new journey that might just offer me salvation. Then it occured to me, that the real reason that me and her had this misunderstanding is that some of my coursemates spilled the beans about us. I was clearly betrayed….. by the people whom I solely placed my trust in….. and it ran very deep into my veins.

So…. i made my decision. I applied for psychology, which my parents had to forked out at least 4500 bucks to pay for the fees. I felt guilty at first, but i knew that it for my own good. So in April this year, i left my home in Kuala Lumpur for Petaling Jaya, for there was nothing left for me there…..

So in May this year, I started my new life as a psychology undergraduate. Starting out afresh. At first I had my doubts about this course, but as I progressed further, I found it rather interesting, plus i met a lot of people, who gave me another chance to place my trust again. But i know that i had to set a boundary between them, only telling them on a need-to-know basis. Cause i was still hurting, and i don’t want to hurt another friend again.

And now…. I have never look back on the past. And I have never regretted my choice before…. But the reason I’m telling eveyrone this story is so that they will know that I will not tolerate any form of betrayal….. If I was ever betrayed again, i would by hook or by crook tear that person apart, mentally of course. Even that is enough to make that person feel defeated for the rest of his of her life…… and only till death will he or she be guiltless….. which is why I think it was for the better that i didn’t found out who blew the whistle on me at that time…..

So there you have it…. tha whole sad story…… but its the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

Ah yes…. 2 days already i have moved into my new place. Man…. what a tiring day i had though….. painting the whole room. Well…. at least it looked better than it was when we first surveyed the place. And best of all………… there’s streamyx available!!! Whoo hoo…. finally i can update my blog without fear of having my privacy being violated.

Well…. at least there’s some other good news as well….. i pass all my subjects as well…. oh yeah!!! i don’t have to sit for the stupid supplementary paper. Of course i won’t know if i make the grade till at least end of this year, but its still better than nothing.

So now i have 3 and a half months of holiday….. might as well find a part-time job right…. after all…. i have always wanted to get myself a brand, new digital camera. I think 3 months of working my butt should be enough. Hehe…. mind the language of course. And of course, i
ll be dumping my cpu soon…. once my loan money arrives by next week, hello pentium core 2 duo, bye bye amd…..

At long last…. after more than two weeks of pain-stakingly preparing for it, the finals is officially over for my course. Now i can finally breathe a sigh of relief. No more sleepless nights for burning the midnight oil for the time being of course.

So now, i have return to a very familiar feeling that i have learned to associate with this ending of every exams. The loss of urgency within me. What will i do now…. will i rot in my room just staring at the computer screen, playing computer games all day long? Will i return from my retirement as a hardcore gamer that i once was? To the addiction that almost destroyed me, and which almost cost me a brighter future, as well as the denial of my mother’s wish?

Nah…. of course not! I’m stronger than this. Over the years, i have change from being an ignorant teenager to a sensible, humble, and responsible young adult who is clear of his own priorities. Sometimes when i watch other people just slacking off on their studies, i would think that…… man….. I must be very lucky to have changed my ways, and in the nick of time.

I guess everyone has to fall down once, and to learn how to pick themselves up again. i know i did. I know what are my goals during this three years. I’m not just gonna sail through three years and earn just a pass for all my exams. I mean…. come on…. is that the best i can do? is that the best everyone can do? I’m gonna make the best of it no matter what. I’m not going to go through another deja vu experience again. Ever…..

So now….. in order to realise that dream, i will have go through a very intensive training. One that I’m determine to improve myself, for better or worse…..

Man…. time sure flies when you’re having fun. One moment you were just starting your first day of the semester….. the next moment, you have already reached the end of the road. Week 14 already?! Wished i had more time to prepare…..

Oh well, at least i’m more hardworking than i was last semester during my "ordeal". maybe its because i am doing something that i am interested in. I guess interest does play an important role in determining your motivation, especially when you are planning to get first class honours.

Well i know that i won’t be able to make it to the honours list this semester, but at least i will try to make it 3.5, which is the minimum requirement for first class honours. Good thing that i could get that problem out of my system, and in the nick of time. Otherwise….. i dare not even imagine the consequences.

Well…. i guess i won’t be going back to my hometown this semester break, due the fact that my mom and my sis will moving over to pj, leaving my poor dad all alone in my hometown. Of course that doesn’t mean that i won’t go back there during breaks, since my old pals will be going back as well, especailly during chinese new year.

Guess i will be calling kl and pj my home soon…………. Ok what am i doing here blogging anyway? I should be studying now. So this is me signing off….. for now. 

How long has it been since i last updated on my daily life? Has it been an eternity? Has it been that long……

They say the truth is always nasty. It pains me to say that i have experience it the hard way. Never again shall i waste my time pursuing something that is so meaningless…… it was so wrong of me to continue on this struggle. Why did she had to enter my life, right when i did not needed it the most……….

No matter, from today onwards, we will only be just "someone that we knew from our course". At least now, i can concentrate on what is really important. Achieving my goals in life. Making my parents proud. Not to repeat the same mistake again. Until then, cupid will just have to sit aside first, until i feel that i am ready to be committed.

Whats a shame…… but it is after all the painful truth……..

How can i describe my feelings that I am feeling for her now……… How can i relay my anxiety to another person so that i can at least understand what i am going through……

I guess maybe its because i have doubts about what I am feeling for her now. Maybe its because the fear of facing another rejection is just too great for me to handle. I should give myself one slap across my face for thinking like that.

Then again…. she’s something else. I’m not sure how can i explain this feeling that I am experiencing now. Most of the time, she gives me the "cold shoulder treatment", of cause its clearly understandable since i can only meet her during lectures, and the best time for us to be truly alone is when we were in the library studying together, where we actually "talk".

Initially, i have blamed her for being this cold to me. But then, i always think that maybe she is also under a lot of stress, and we are almost in the same situation.Of cause I have no right to compare her situation with mine.

Oh well…. i know what i must do. I have to earn a place in the honour’s list. I want to make myself proud, but i especially want to make my mom proud of me, for i have already failed her twice. There can be no third mistake for me…..

But one thing i can be sure of now…… even though i have been very busy, i know that deep down inside, there is a form of happiness that i have always longed for…… so now i am thankful to have make this choice, and i am not going to screw up again….. ever……

Man…. its been a long time since i last updated my blog. Damn this stupid connection! Some broadband service……… sheesh!

It has been 2 weeks since i started my new life as a psychology undergraduate. Wow…. i must admit that it is a little different than the life i that left back in Setapak. At least now i don’t have to kick myself out of the bed everyday just to go to classes. Well…. except when its too early. Hehe….

Man….. i never knew finding a new place to stay can be so tough and so tiring. I wonder how much money i have spent just on petrol for this 2 weeks. At least me and Serene has been putting in a lot of effort in finding a new place for the guys. I hope they really appreciate the hard work that we did.

I have met many new people who, i must admit were more friendlier than those back in my old campus. Maybe thats the difference between arts and science students. There’s even a wider selection of…. ahem….. girls to tackle. Of course i know what my goals are for this semester. To be in the honours list, at least make it to dean’s list. As for finding "the one", i’ll just put it in the background for the time being. For one thing, i have 4 assignments coming up. Yes 4! Man….. and out of the 4, 3 of which will include an oral presentation. Man…. and i thought having 1 is dreadful enough. Make it triple the dread.

Well….. 12 more weeks to go, and i still don’t have any good or reliable references for psychology, save the one that i bought back in kinokuniya last april. Better get started if i want to have excellent grades, and still have time to party on.