Memoirs Of A Homo Sapien

In life, we make a lot of choices… some good… some bad… some with bearable consequences… some that haunt us for the rest of our lives…

I have made plenty of choices in my 22 years of existence, and these same choices is what made me what I am today. The same goes with friendship. Although it is an extremely rare incident that I have to choose either to maintain a friendship, or just let it go… and let bygones be bygones.

Perhaps the time has come, for me to make a very painful admission… Our friendship has hit rock bottom. The fire has burnt out. I just know it. I just couldn’t bring myself to admit it. I kept on thinking that there was some way to salvage it back, but i was wrong…

It’s hard to imagine that it would end like this… we were from two different worlds. I have always believed that there’s always a reason behind every choice, every meeting, every beginning, every ending… THEN WHY IN THE GODDAMN WORLD DID OUR FRIENDSHIP OCCUR!!! WHY!!! WAS THIS SUPPOSE TO BE A TEST?! CAUSE IF THIS WAS  SOME SORT OF A TEST, THEN OBVIOUSLY I HAVE FAILED!!! SO WHY EVEN BOTHER ADMINISTERING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

"sigh"… a choice will have to be made… whether it will haunt me or not, i would not know. However, I just don’t understand her behavior behind it… just last semester, the flare was there… now… it was as if someone purposely put it out… is she doing this to let me know that she is not worth it? Why does she keep pushing me away now? So that I won’t know her true mask? oh please…

However… if she just used me as a cannon fodder, a judas goat, or just to seek someone’s attention, which turns out to be me… then I will never forgive her… I for one will never forgive a person who uses me… especially someone whom I considered a very close friend… I have always remain true to her, cared for her, comforted her in times of need… if this is the treatment that she gives me… I can’t bear to imagine the anger inside of me…

At least now… it’s less one burden… but if she’s willing to explain her distancing herself from me… I am willing to indulge myself… then we will go our separate ways…

It has all come down to this moment of clarification. This very choice, this very thought, is something that I will learn to live my life on… i cannot go back now…

     Perhaps it has been pure infatuation all this while, just that I was too drugged by this sensation. I could take on any challenges head on without fear or hesitation, but it comes to wooing a girl, I’m always hitting a dead end on the road.

       She and I may share some similarities, but when it comes to ideals and principle, we may not hit the right note there. This is the lesson that I managed to learn during this period of time trying to woo her. I have always believed in pushing myself forward, challenging myself to a greater level, but it seems that she does not share my optimistic views, already deciding to just park it there… without the drive to excel better…

    So now wooing her may be out of the question, but one matter still burns in my mind. Are we still friends? I think the proper question would be "Are we still considered friends?" If we are, then do friends not say hi to each other, or at least make an effort to meet and greet whenever we can?

    "sigh"… it seems that there won’t be a future for us… a shame indeed… thank god the hurt wasn’t deep enough to knock me off balance. The pain will be there, but I will manage. This isn’t the first time I was hit by a speeding bullet through my heart. I’m not even sure we can still maintain the same closeness that we felt when we were close friends. Oh how I will miss those days…

    At any rate, the decision has been made. It is done… I can never turn back from the choice that I have made… Whether I will regret or not, that will be another question in the near future. Her birthday will be coming soon, and I will keep my promise of making her birthday special…Perhaps when the time comes, I would be able to meet a girl whom I can really share my ideals with… As for her case… if worse comes to worse, she might just be……… someone that I once knew in university… I’m sorry…