Memoirs Of A Homo Sapien

In all my 22 years of age, I am still unable to differentiate between puppy love… and true love.

Deep down inside, I have a strong feeling that she could be the one. I only regretted chasing after her this late, and not at the beginning of my first year, when i was wasting time chasing after F, which turn out to be a futile effort. Had I became close to her during that time, perhaps now… we would be a couple…possibly.

It was only during our second year first sem that we became very close friends. She would tell me her troubles, mostly her assignments and disagreements with her group members, and I would listen to her attentively. I would give the reassurance that she needed, the comfort that she desired.

As time passed by, I knew that… I was slowly falling in love with her… I find myself missing her almost everyday… Every time I see a couple, I would start thinking about me and her together… whether or not this is just a false belief, i could not be sure. Plus, there were certain things that were common between us, such as music taste, animals, as well as past experience…

The fact that we are in different tutorial groups makes it difficult for us to meet every time in campus. To make things even more complicated, was that I was not close with her gang… The foundation was not there… and it would be difficult for me start now… The only true moment where we could chat in private was online through msn, even then it depended a lot on our luck, for it was not all the time that she has the chance to chat as well… plus the fact that she would go back to her hometown almost every weekend, which is just nearby further complicated the matter… though I try hard not to be selfish over the matter…

Now… I could feel like there is a barrier between us. Adding to the fact that although it is just short semester, which is seven weeks, we are damn busy as hell. Because of this, I have told her that for the time being, we will proceed with a platonic relationship. She was very clear about my feelings for her… I do like her sincerely… I really wish that she can be the one that I can share my life with… but I’m not the type that would force a person to love me… and she has already stated her desire of just maintaining a platonic relationship.

I respect her wishes… for I too am beginning to feel uncertain of the outcome… because I’m starting to realize that familiarity is just not enough in a relationship, though it is a start. Will we have the same ideals as well? That is the question that has been burning in my mind for a long time… will we have the same understanding as well?

I guess it just shows that perhaps holding it until further notice is the wisest choice for now… I know my priorities… and I know that to love someone, I must first love myself… whatever the outcome, I am prepared to accept it… even as we speak, I am psyching myself up for it…

Perhaps… I may find someone else who can really share my ideals… but i do wish that it can be her… I don’t want to lose her… God help me…

How long has it been since i scribbled something on this little memoir of mine… it felt like an eternity… too long…

Not that I was not eager to scribble even a simple writing on the wall, just that… I have been too caught up in many events of my life. The past semester in a new year has been a roller coaster ride for me. New challenges that are enough to drive me up the wall… academic wise, as well as non-academic wise. It seems that my eagerness to gain some recognition has cost me a lot… I could not bear the sacrifices well enough…

All this time, I know that I have grown… a lot. It seems that the gamble I made when first step foot into this new chapter of my life have paid off. I find myself fully committed to completing this course, which was once a complete mystery to me, a self-professed researcher wannabe in the field of bioscience. At least I can be sure that through psychology, I can still contribute to society by doing something that can alleviate one person’s suffering.

Now however… I feel that the drive that I once have is slowly dissipating. The level enthusiasm that I once have… I can feel it drifting away… My greatest fears have finally come true… I can’t help but deny the possibility that I might fail… Every semester, I find my grades dropping gradually, where finally… I finally broke one of my most sacred oaths. I not only have to take one, but two supp papers! This has come to show that somewhere along the way, something must have gone wrong…

I told myself that I would put off the matter of love until further notice. But based on my past experience, it was easier said that done. No matter how many times I told myself to control, I could not stop that desire… I know that I am still not ready, because I am still not strong enough, not secure enough. Based on these arguments, I know that being in a relationship would be futile for both party.

"sigh"… I know I must keep an optimistic point-of-view in life… For my own sake, I have to find a way to curb this issue. The target has already been set. I just need to achieve it. Right on the mark…